


An Interesting Party

by SuperWhoLockianFangirl



Category: Criminal Minds, Doctor Who, House M.D., Sherlock (TV), The Mentalist
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Innuendo, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-11-10 00:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperWhoLockianFangirl/pseuds/SuperWhoLockianFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor is bored and decides to call on some of his old friends to have a party. He gathers a rather... ecclectic group of people, not all of whom get along so well. Hilarity and taunting ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Interesting Party

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while back. It's extremely random and cracky, but I couldn't resist after becoming obsessed with House. Hope you all enjoy! <3

John was tired after a long day of helping Sherlock solve yet another case and he was more than grateful that it was finally over and he could get some sleep. He wasn't sure how many times he'd have to remind Sherlock that he had an actual, real job before that really sunk in, but apparently it was a number higher than 438.

They were climbing the stairs together when he heard the noise: an odd, whirring noise. Loud and definitely coming from upstairs. He turned to ask Sherlock what he thought the sound might be but the consulting detective was already half sprinting up the stairs, blue eyes wide with excitement. John found himself wondering where the hell Sherlock got all of that energy if he never ate or slept… He couldn't possibly be human.

He trudged along behind his flatmate at a more reasonable pace and was about to tell him goodnight when he stopped and his jaw fell open.

In the middle of the room a blue wooden box was standing there, just… sitting there as if it belonged. And Sherlock was grinning at it.

"What is that?" John managed to ask once he remembered how sentences worked. Sherlock's blue eyes sparkled a bit but he didn't answer as the doors on the box suddenly burst open and a man stepped out wearing a tweed jacket and a red bowtie, which he was adjusting slightly as he stepped out and grinned.

"Sherlock!" he beamed at John's flatmate and then did something John had never seen anyone do, ever.

He hugged Sherlock.

Granted, Sherlock didn't hug him back, but that didn't stop it from being even more bizarre than the blue box in the middle of the room. This man had hugged Sherlock. What kind of madman hugged Sherlock?

"Um, who are you?" John asked, raising a brow at the man.

"John, this is the Doctor," Sherlock said, that excitement he usually reserved for the most interesting of cases sparkling in his eyes. "He's an old… acquaintance. Doctor, this is John Watson."

John raised a brow and studied the newcomer, "The Doctor? Doctor who?"

"Just the Doctor," the man answered, grinning brightly. "It's what people call me."

"Okay…" John frowned, "Right. How did you get that box all the way up the stairs?"

"I didn't," the Doctor said, "I parked her right here." He placed a hand on the side of the box and smiled at it fondly.

"She's a bit tired, been busy… doing stuff, you know…"

"Hm, yes," Sherlock nodded, "And to what do I owe this visit? Do you need my assistance?"

"No, no, no," the Doctor shook his head, "Just wanted to say hello. Haven't seen you in a long time, I was getting bored, thought I might visit… see if you wanted a quick trip…?"

Sherlock raised a brow and frowned, "What happened to that ginger woman and the man who was always fawning after her?"

"What? Oh! Amy and Rory! They're busy. Being married, doing married people things… Getting a little lonely, actually. Thought I'd throw a party. Interested?"

John watched Sherlock considering the man's offer. To be honest, he wasn't sure he understood the offer. What trip? Where were they going to go? And, again, why the HELL had he hugged Sherlock? Who did something like that?

"Can John come along too?" Sherlock finally asked.

John was visibly shocked. Not because Sherlock had asked if he could join them, but because he was seriously considering it. Sherlock didn't usually like parties, they were dull and tedious and boring and mundane and a whole bunch of other words that were the apparent equivalent of a slow death by suffocation.

The Doctor turned oddly serious yet not serious eyes on John then and looked him up and down before turning to Sherlock, "He isn't one of those murderers you hunt is he?"

"Of course I'm not!" John said, surprised and yet not surprised that the Doctor would think that.

"Well…" Sherlock glanced sideways at John, "Not unless you count the cabbie he shot."

John gaped open mouthed at his friend. What on earth was wrong with him?

"Alright then, come on! We've got more guests to pick up!"

"What guests?" Sherlock asked following the Doctor to the doors of the blue box.

"Oh, just a few people I've met over the years…"

Sherlock's lips curled slightly, "Not any of those mind-numbingly nice people?"

The Doctor sighed, "You know, Sherlock, being nice doesn't make people boring,"

"No, it makes them idiots which, in general, makes them boring,"

He shook his head, "Don't worry, they're not idiots… I'm sure you'll find them interesting. Now come on! Don't want to waste time!"

Sherlock snorted, though John wasn't sure why and started to follow the Doctor into the blue box, turning around after a moment and frowning at him.

"Come on, John, he won't wait forever. He gets jumpy when he's impatient,"

"In there?" John frowned, "What could you possibly –"

He didn't get to finish the sentence because Sherlock rolled his eyes and yanked him forward, tugging him into the small blue box. John grimaced and closed his eyes, expecting to at the very least be squished against the other two men. Instead he found he had quite a bit of room to move around.

Slowly he opened his eyes and his mouth once again fell open. "How –"

"Don't," Sherlock shook his head as he closed the doors behind them, "He gets far too much enjoyment out of people's reactions."

The Doctor was grinning, leaning against a console in the center of the –impossibly- large space.

"But… how is this… how do you get the outside around the inside?"

"Don't ask questions," Sherlock said, "He won't explain it. Basically, it's another dimension." His eyes flicked to the Doctor and he grinned slightly as the Doctor pouted.

"Ruining my fun is not a good way to start this trip, Sherlock,"

"Where are we going?"

"Going?" John frowned, confused, still trying to take in the huge room around him. "What are you talking about?"

The Doctor grinned, "This is the TARDIS – Time and Relative Dimension in Space. My spaceship." He patted the console lovingly and glanced up at Sherlock, "She can take us anywhere in time and space that I want. So," he clapped his hands together and grinned, running around to the other side of the console where he grabbed a red hat – a fez, John realized – and plopped it atop his head.

"Let's got get the other guests!"

-/\\-

"Spaceship?" John frowned, "Like a UFO? Grey men and anal probes?"

The Doctor, who was busy pressing buttons and pulling levers and looking generally excited and busy, paused. He fixed John with a look that clearly said he thought the other man was insane, which John thought was a bit hypocritical coming from a man in a bowtie and fez.

"Anal probes?" he asked, his voice hitting a higher pitch at the word 'probes', "You humans and your science fiction. Aliens don't use anal probes, that's the messy end. They go straight in through the bellybutton."

He shook his head and spun a knob on the console and John blinked, turning to Sherlock, "Is he serious?"

"Of course I'm serious!" The Doctor answered, not looking up from what he was doing this time.

Sherlock sighed, "It's a long story, John, but the condensed version is that this is the Doctor, he's an alien and this is his time machine-slash-spaceship."

"An alien?"

"A Time Lord," Sherlock nodded, about to say something else when John heard the noise from before and realized it was the box – the TARDIS – that was making it.

"Where are we?" Sherlock asked, glancing at the Doctor.

The Doctor was studying the screen for a moment and then he looked up, grinning. "New Jersey," he said happily.

"New Jersey?" John frowned, "How can we be in New Jersey, we were in London a couple minutes ago, there's no way that we –"

He trailed off as the Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and revealed a living room. One that was definitely not 221B.

"We… moved…" John was still trying to take it all in when another man walked into the room, hair disheveled from sleep, toothbrush still in his mouth, wearing a grey t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

"House what are you -?" the man became just as speechless as John, brown eyes widening impossibly as he caught sight of the TARDIS, the Doctor, Sherlock and John.

John hated to admit it, but the other man's shock was comforting. It meant he wasn't going insane and obviously the blue wooden box was real. Which meant… alien, spaceship, time machine. Holy shit.

"Hello," the Doctor was grinning broadly, "I'm the Doctor… You wouldn't know a Dr. Gregory House, would you?"

The man blinked, slowly lowering the toothbrush from his mouth, staring at them for a heartbeat before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, shaking his head.

"House!" he yelled, half angrily.

A second later another man entered the room, limping and leaning against a cane, in need of a serious shave.

"What is it, Jimmy, I was – Doctor!" the man suddenly grinned when he caught sight of the Doctor and the TARDIS. Then he frowned and his eyes narrowed.

"What the hell is on your head?"

"It's a fez;" the Doctor said defensively, "Fezzes are cool."

The older man blinked, shaking his head, "Doc, I'm not sure the Gallifreyan to English translator works right on the TARDIS. Do you even know what 'cool' means?"

The Doctor pouted and was about to make a retort when the other man spoke.

"House, what the hell is going on? Did you drug me again?"

The other man – House, apparently – looked offended. "What? No! Why would you even think such a thing?"

His friend fixed him with a stare that made even John uncomfortable and House sighed.

"Alright, fine, maybe I don't have the best track record, but c'mon, Wilson, I always have good reasons for drugging you! This isn't a hallucination… this is the Doctor."

"The Doctor?" the younger man – Wilson – raised a brow and turned back to look at them. "Wait, wait, wait… The Doctor? The guy you told me about?"

"Yep," House grinned again and looked back at the Doctor, "You'll have to forgive Jimmy. He's a little slow in the mornings… hasn't blow dried his eyebrows yet."

"House," Wilson grumbled and shook his head, sighing and turning back to the Doctor. "Whatever it is… don't get him killed. He owes me money."

House sniffed dramatically and stuck his lower lips out, batting his eyes at Wilson before turning to the Doctor, "Unfortunately, Doc, if you need my help I'll be next to useless…" he picked up his cane and tapped it against the floor a few times.

"Can't run anymore,"

The Doctor eyed the leg and then looked back up at House, "Not a problem, no running today. Just a party. I'm gathering up some old friends, thought you might want to come too."

"Hmm… Party with the Doctor in his magic spaceship… or go to work and pretend to do clinic duty while avoiding Cuddy all day…" he turned to Wilson, "What do you think?"

Wilson rolled his eyes, "Go, have fun. I'll tell Cuddy you're sick or you tripped and can't walk from the pain."

House made a face, "I was inviting you too, idiot,"

"House, I've got patients, you know the sick people we're supposed to treat at the hospital."

"Meh," House waved his words away, "Sick people can wait a few hours. Besides, this is the time traveling Doctor, remember? Wanna come? Be my date?"

Wilson rolled his eyes again and sighed, looking toward the Doctor who shrugged nonchalantly. The more the merrier apparently.

"Fine," Wilson relented, "But at least let me finish brushing my teeth."

Wilson turned and shuffled his way back to the bathroom while the Doctor made introductions. John was still a bit too shell shocked to be much use in the conversation, but he listened to House and Sherlock get to know each other and was shocked at how oddly similar they were.

House was busy making deductions about Sherlock and Sherlock was busy making them about House. The two seemed to be on near equal footing. Sherlock noted that House refused to fully acknowledge his handicap, House noted that Sherlock was having trouble quitting smoking. They both told the other he was an arrogant bastard and shook hands with smirks on their faces.

Then Sherlock said it and John just knew the other man would punch his friend.

"You're obviously hiding deep feelings for you roommate… unless you've already acted upon those feelings and you're trying to hide them."

"Sherlock!" John hissed at his friend, but surprisingly, House didn't seem all that bothered.

"Ah, you caught me. Jimmy and I are totally gay for each other," House said, pausing to tilt his head thoughtfully, "We live together, he buys my food, used to give me my drugs, he takes care of me, kept me out of jail, cooks for me, cleans for me. We're always together… Definitely gay. Except for the sex part… Wilson's shy. We've been together for years but he just won't let me see him naked. I think he's scared of the commitment, honestly. He's been married three times."

"What?" Wilson had just walked back into the room, dressed in regular clothes now and looking much more refreshed.

"Nothing," House said, "Just telling Sherlock and John here about our gay-not-gay relationship."

"We're not gay!" Wilson said, brown eyes wide, "Why does everyone assume we're gay?"

"If you were in here two minutes ago, you'd know the answer to that question. For now, keep pondering it on your own. I'm ready to go, Doc,"

"Alright, everybody, back into the TARDIS," the Doctor said, "We've got two more stops to make before we're done!"

-/\\-

This time John wasn't shocked when the TARDIS doors were thrown open to reveal another living room. House had clearly been on board the TARDIS before and told Wilson enough about it that he wasn't too shocked himself to find out they'd moved.

And yet, John still found himself at a loss for words and a tiny bit embarrassed when the doors opened. Because directly across from them a couple was sitting on a couch, kissing. The dark haired woman had her hand firmly against the young, thin man's thigh and as soon as the doors opened, they'd froze for almost five seconds and then they sprung apart quickly, straightening clothes and trying to flatten mussed up hair.

"Well…" the Doctor seemed more shocked than John did as he stared at the couple. "When I told you two crazy kids to have fun I never expected –"

"Doctor," the woman, who wasn't nearly as red as the young man was, pushed her hair off her shoulder. "What is it? We were kind… in the middle of something?"

"That's all I get? Not even a hello?" the Doctor looked hurt, "After all we went through –"

"You almost got us killed," the woman said.

"Technicality," the Doctor said, "Plus, we survived. Don't you love it when I do that?"

She smiled, "Sure," she sighed, "So, what is it?"

"I wanted to invite you and Spencer to a little party," the Doctor said, "I'm visiting some old friends… This is Sherlock, John, House and Wilson. This," he waved his hand toward the couple, "Is Emily and Spencer… You two aren't married are you?"

"No ring," House said, leaning in the doorway against his cane. "Not married… But I wish you hadn't stopped the show when you did, Doc. She was about to take off her shirt."

Emily smirked, "Mm, probably the first time you've seen a naked woman up close in months, huh?"

"Ouch," House grimaced dramatically, "I like her. Too bad she's with the nerd."

"Hey!" Spencer frowned, looking hurt for a second.

Emily smiled at him, "Ignore him, Spencer, he's just jealous because you're having sex with a beautiful woman and he isn't,"

Spencer blushed and turned to the Doctor, "You said six months,"

"I did?"

"It's been almost two years," Emily pointed out, "What happened? Spencer said you came to see him and you were hurt –"

"Regeneration," the Doctor said, looking down, "Tricky. Painful. I wanted to say goodbye."

Emily raised a brow, "But you didn't say goodbye to me…"

The Doctor and Reid met eyes, "No time. I couldn't hold it back any longer. Surprised you knew it was me,"

"Well, be fair," Reid said, "It wasn't hard to figure out. The TARDIS, a man in a funny hat… It had to be you."

Emily nodded and reached out, plucking the fez from the Doctor's head.

"Hey!"

"If we're going with you, I am not going to stare at that stupid fez the entire time. The bowtie is weird enough."

The Doctor sniffed and straightened the tie, "Bowties. Are. Cool," he said indignantly. "Now, into the TARDIS if you're coming. If not… back to the couch to do… what you were doing."

"Making out?" Emily raised a brow, smiling that the Doctor's uncomfortable look.

"The pre-foreplay sex show?" House said, smirking at Emily as she and Spencer stepped into the TARDIS. The couple ignored him and John was still quiet as the TARDIS began to buzz with conversation.

"One more stop and we'll be on our way!" the Doctor grinned brightly and pulled another lever, eyes shining as the engines whirred.

-/\\-

"So…" John frowned, "You both used to travel with the Doctor?" he asked Spencer and Emily.

"Yeah. We met him during a case and… he offered us a trip," Spencer explained.

"And that one trip turned into three," Emily continued.

"And then four," Spencer nodded, "And before we'd realized it, we'd been travelling with him months…" he glanced over at the Doctor, "Then he dropped us back off at my apartment and said he'd see us in six months. He had something to take care of…"

"He refused to say what," Emily said, "But I never saw him again. He came to say goodbye to Spencer two weeks later…"

The Doctor was quiet now, sighing heavily.

Sherlock frowned, "Why goodbye?" he asked, glancing at the Doctor.

"I was dying," the Doctor said, "I… wanted to say goodbye. I thought… it's not important."

"Sure it is," House said, "Come on, Doc, you didn't say goodbye to me or Sherlock or Emily and let's face it, she's the prettiest of us. Spencer's a close second though…" he grinned cheekily when Emily rolled her eyes at him.

"I didn't have time," the Doctor said, "I could only hold off the regeneration so long and then the TARDIS was crashing and Amelia had a crack in her wall and… things happened and I didn't look back."

"Who else did you say goodbye to?" Emily asked curiously.

"Martha… Mickey… Donna…Jack…" the Doctor swallowed and looked down and Emily raised a brow.

"Rose?" House asked.

"Yeah. And Rose," he looked up again, his eyes sad, "Anyway, we're here, so stop asking questions. I'm sure Patrick has more interesting things to say than I do!"

He yanked the doors open and grinned brightly. John frowned, surprised that for once they weren't in someone's living room. They were in what looked like an office building. It was late at night though, there wasn't anyone around. At least, that's what he thought until he heard the voices.

"No, Jane, stop! Go see what that noise was and let me finish my damn paperwork!"

"No need," a man's voice floated towards them from somewhere nearby, "That was the Doctor, which means you won't be doing paperwork for much longer anyway."

"The Doctor?" the woman sounded skeptical, "Right, Jane, sure. That's just a story you made up."

"No it isn't, Lisbon. How could you say such a thing?"

"Yes it is," the woman insisted. "Just a story you made up to make me feel better because I was having a bad day."

"Well, you're half right. I told you about it because you were having a bad day, but it was a true story…" he trailed off and fell silent as the group entered what appeared to be an office.

A man – Jane apparently – was leaning back in a rolling desk chair, grinning broadly at a woman – Lisbon – who was bent over her desk scribbling on a file.

She blinked up at them with wide green eyes, "Who are you people?"

Jane glanced at them, still grinning, "Hmm, well the Doctor has to be the one in the bowtie," he said, "Last time I saw him though he was with Rose and Jack… The others… not a clue."

"Patrick," the Doctor smiled at him, "It's been a while. Thought you might like a trip. We're going to have a party… This is Emily, Spencer, Sherlock, John, House and Wilson…"

Patrick nodded in greeting and sat up, "A party, huh? Sounds interesting… What planet?"

"Not sure yet," the Doctor said, "Thought I might set the controls to random and let her decide… Haven't done that in a while."

Jane's blue eyes sparkled and he stood, "Well, count me in. We've had a rough week. What about you, Lisbon? Want to see the magic blue box I told you about?"

"It's really real?" Lisbon stood slowly, "You didn't make it up?"

"It's real," John was surprised to hear himself speak, "I thought I'd gone mad when I saw in our flat…"

"Your flat?" House raised a brow, "Oh sure, Wilson and I are gay because we live together, meanwhile you two have been eye-fucking since I met you –"

"What?" John paled and stared at the man, eyes wide. "I'm not… we're not… I'm not gay!"

"That's what Jimmy always says…" House jerked his head in the direction of Wilson, "But he knows what window dressings are and he likes manicures…"

"House," Wilson groaned, "Stop. Please."

Lisbon raised a brow, "You want to go to a party with these people?"

"Come on," House said, "You're pretty, she's pretty," he nodded toward Emily, "If the Doctor turns his back for a second I can get you two drunk enough to make my night heaven!"

Lisbon sent House a venomous glare and he frowned.

"No?" he asked, "Ok, fine. Then come because you'll be with Patrick in the magic blue box, which, by the way, sounds incredibly childish. What are you, four?"

"Alright!" The Doctor cut them off before anyone else could trade another insult. "Patrick, Miss Lisbon, if you want to come, follow us. Back to the TARDIS to pick a planet…"

Jane gave Lisbon a bright smile and she sighed, "Fiiiine," she groaned, taking the hand he offered her and following them all back to the TARDIS.

The bickering started back up almost immediately. House and Emily were arguing about sex and he was surprised at well Emily held her ground. Sherlock and Spencer were arguing about some scientific fact and Lisbon and Jane were arguing about whatever they'd been arguing about before they'd showed up.

John shook his head as the Doctor fiddled with the controls once more and grinned at them before pulling the lever. This was going to be one hell of a party…

"One, two, three," the Doctor counted, yanking down the lever. "Geronimo!" he called, laughing as the TARDIS engines whirred to life one more time, spinning them away to whatever planet they were going to. This was going to be interesting.

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> As I said, random and cracky. Hope you enjoyed! I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks!


End file.
